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Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Evening Classes for Men ONLY

In the interests of maintaining an equal balance of when belittling and berating the sexes, here's one from David F.P. This should strike a chord with most of the gentlemen readers out there, I trust.


NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!!

ALL ARE WELCOME

OPEN TO MEN ONLY

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS

Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?

Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR

Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?

Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY

Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS

Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?

Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH

PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST

Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?

Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER

Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION

Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE

Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME

Individual counsellors available

English humour

Courtesty of the freshly married Mr David Foster Pilkington, some classified ads that really do say what they mean. Given David is a newly minted husband, pay particular attention to the last one on the list. Enjoy the honeymoon in Italy, David!

These are actual classified newspaper ads:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful
little dog. Bites

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky
neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid
dog

FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out a while..better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby

GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.

and finally, the best one;

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

Arctic adventures with Kim

For the many fans of Kim, here is her last email from the Bering Sea. She'll be back swanning around Cairns at the end of July.

Hello from the Bering Sea,

Apologies for the group email and if you are offended to hear news of me this way, please hit delete now, and write to me personally and I promise to respond. However, if you are not offended, read on..

Does her bum look big in this? Add your comments!

I have been away from home for just over two months now and life onboard the Spirit of Oceanus is running at the usual 100 mph. Since leaving Seattle in early May and heading north to Alaska, we have had fairly sensational but unseasonal weather. In fact I am in danger of returning home from Alaska with a tan. The hot weather has sent everything off to an early start with flowers blooming and animals active much earlier than usual.

I have had so many wildlife highlights I would bore you to tears describing them all but I guess my close up with bears in Geographic Harbour is a hard day to beat. Geographic Harbour, even without the bears, is an awesome bay with towering columnar basalt and mountain peaks still laden with ash from an eruption almost 100 years ago. We managed our zodiac tours to coincide with the low tide and over a 3 hour period we saw at least 14 bears up close and personal. My favourite was a brown bear that swam in front of my zodiac for about 5 minutes (only 20 m away) and climbed out onto a small island, shook himself, climbed a small rock formation for the perfect photo and then disappeared.

I also witnessed a harbour seal pup being born on a rock somewhere in the Shumigan Islands. It was an unplanned spectacle that became part of my beachcombing walk on Unga Island. Not too long after that I saw my first Gray whales (I have seen so many now, they barely get a mention) and my latest big 'wow' was in a scout boat with just the Staff Captain, Ivan, the Pilot, Mike and myself. We couldn't do our planned landing because of the pack ice still being 3 miles wide off the coast (Russian Far east) so we went exploring. While cruising along the coast of a nearby island that didn't have any ice, we came across 6 humungous walrus lying on the beach. Two of them were spooked immediately and went straight into the water. We backed away quietly and left the rest on the beach. We then continued around the corner and came across a grizzly bear munching on a carcass on the beach. It was also spooked by the engine and went galloping off into the distance at great speed. We guessed from the reaction of these animals that hunting by motor boat was fairly common in this area. Unfortunately by the time we went back to get the passengers the walrus had also gone.

This cruise has taken me to the Far East of Russia, an extremely isolated part of the country that has no roads leading to it. Air and sea are the only options for transport. We cleared into the Port of Providenya, a former military base in the 1950's with a former population of 55,000. It now has 2000 people and looks like a large ghost town or perhaps how some towns looked just after they had been bombed in WWII. Everything is crumbling or has been smashed to rubble. The surrounding mountains are also naturally crumbling into small rocks so it seems hard to realise where the mountains start and the town begins. Despite the bleak appearance, all the people I met seemed very vibrant and I got to visit an excellent museum and see a great cultural dancing show put on by the local children.

We then jumped into giant 4WD trucks and journeyed across a mountain pass to New Chaplino a Siberian U'pik community just 16 miles away. The drive took an hour, as Russian roads are exactly how you would expect them to be. The pack ice was still in the bay on the other side but melting fast. It was extraordinary seeing the reflection of the surrounding snow covered mountains on the pools in the pack ice. Again despite this mainly subsistence village being obviously very poor, they were extremely friendly and dedicated to their culture. We saw summer dog sledding and some great dancing and witnessed a few of the competitive sports of the Eskimo games.

It has been very hard for me to buy a souvenir of my visit as most items for sale are made from endangered marine mammals but I think I found the perfect thing. I bought a set of nestling wooden Russian Dolls painted in the likeness of the past presidents of Russia. I have a tiny little Stalin right in the middle. It was so tacky I couldn't help myself and I am sure it will continue to make me smile for many years to come.

On this cruise I also got to cross the Arctic Circle. I have cruised above it before in Greenland but never sailed across it. I did it in grand style crossing the dateline at the same time. Some foolhardy passengers ran under a fire hose being pumped directly from the ocean before hopping in to the spa to commemorate the occasion but I thought better of it.

Tomorrow we are in Dutch Harbour. America's 4th largest fishing port, having said that there is not a lot else there but an interesting place none the less. I have about one more month to go and then I return home to Cairns (23 July). As much as I love my job I am really looking forward to going home. In my last 7 years of travelling I have always missed home and looked forward to returning, however, I have never felt that anybody missed me terribly even though my friends always seemed pleased to see me back (I think?). However, things have changed for me in the last year or so and I look forward to coming home more than ever.

I haven't officially told everybody yet but I guess this email is a start. Early this year I moved in with Ken. K2 (my cat) and I now have a new residence and share a house with two 16 year old boys (Patrick and Nick), a red heeler (Cassie) and of course Ken. It is a reasonably happy mix, although I would be lying if I said we didn't all have an 'adjustment' period.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Cakes, roses and islands

The rose vine is looking particulary good on the west wall

With the summer holidays in full swing, you would think that we would have a bit of time to draw breath and reflect on things. Nothing could be further from the truth. David and Solveig, our former neighbours from Munkebakken, finally tied the knot a few days ago after co habitating for nigh on a decade and a half. Rannveig in a fit of generosity offered to make the wedding cake with barely a little more than a week to get it all together. We are talking about the full on rich fruit cake here, normally a 3 to 6 week project plus at least a couple of months for the cognac to do its magic in the fruit mix.

One rich fruit cake as ordered in a matter of days

The assembly and preparation of the mixture took a few days as the rich fruit cake is not exactly what you could call a traditional Norwegian dish. Some frantic long distance phone calls to mum in Austinmer to solve some of the technical problems with icing, a few late nights and a sprinkling of bad language later, Rannveig's labours bore fruit (so to speak).

The final result...another Rannveig triumph!

I'm endlessly impressed by the good lady wifes ability to take on such culinary projects without previous experience, no time margin for error and the threat of disaster looking over her shoulder and still come out of it smelling like a rose every time. David and Solveig were suitably impressed and we could finally relax a little.

We visited Kristin and her kids at their holiday hut (hytte in Norwegian) a ways to the south from us. The weather had just started to turn to real summer and we got our first inkling that the water might be warm enough to dunk our large, but majestically hydrodynamic bodies into. From then on in its been beach, beach, beach...island?

Our girl has fine taste in life saving accessories

Yes, island. The fjord here is scattered with small to medium large islands, most suitable for finding a piece of beach or rock and setting up for the day with a picnic and some coldies. Lars Peter and Hanne, friends of ours here in Tønsberg have a very flash runabout and kindly invited us to share the day with them last weekend as they went in search of a perfect piece of island.

It took a while and with two babies and a toddler along for the ride, a little bit of creative juggling, but we found ourselves enjoying the blazing sunshine out in the fjord from a scenic island. Just as a final little twist, we got to see some wildlife up close and very personal... a mink! They seem to like living under rocks next to the shoreline and are prodigous swimmers, going from island to island in the summer and using any ice floes that may form during the winter. Not in the least bit shy, the little bugger flew straight past us on the beach as he made a beeline for his home on the other side of the rocks.

Baby update: 9 months already

Coquettish...

Time flies when you have to get up at 5:45 am most days. 9 short months ago Linnea Clare joined us in the ongoing adventure of keeping the mortgage paid and the fridge full. The corny "you have no idea how much your life will change" mantra that we used to get hammered with has now come to pass.

..gobsmacked...

At least she hasn't been too much of a handfull (so far) for the most part being a real sweetie with her eating and bedtimes. In fact, the only thing that sends her off into purple hysteria is washing her face with a cloth. Given she has eating habits equivalent to most 9 month olds, the necessity of a facial clean following feeding time is self evident. So we seem like good parents except after dinner, when the neighbours think we stripping the skin from her with a rusty knife if the sound is anything to judge by.

...toothy...

She is coming perilously close to crawling forward. At the moment the best she can manage is an unintentional reverse, spinning in circles or rolling over to get to what she wants, but the co ordination for her to shift into the dreaded "Drive" gear is rapidly approaching. The days of wine and roses are abou to end, methinks.

...and 9 months old!

She is enjoying the summer so far. It hadn't been much to write about until a week ago when it kicked in with a vengence. There hasn't been a day under 25 since. Now that we are motivated to get down to the local beach, just down the road from us, we have been down there most mornings and she fairly jumps out of her sunsuit when we get in sight of the stairs down to the water. Someone to inherit the dive gear (if she is into antiques).

Summer holidays

Linnea finds a bucket a good way to cool off

Yes, the blog has been in a serious holding pattern for a while. The reason is simple. Summer has come to Scandanavia, 25 to 30 degree days that last for close to 20 hours and we are out and about at the beach, in the garden, just about anywhere that isn' t in front of an LCD panel!

So forgive us for lax posting, but we just aren't going to be too motivated to send out blog updates while the weather holds. Once the weather goes to crap, we'll be back with a more regular routine. In the meantime, I'll send out a general alert email when anything genuinely exciting happens.

In the meantime, enjoy the sight of the precious as she discovers the delights of being able to use a bucket as a plunge pool. It turns out that she is a bit of a water nymph, so some of the parents Phoqaawii genes have transferred. We are taking her to the beach most days at the moment and she screams in delight when she gets into the water (unlike her father who just screams). Current water temperature: 23 degrees. I can hear Kim nodding in sympathy from her Zodiac somewhere above the arctic circle.